Category: Marriage Problems

Imagine matrimony as a dance where both partners move to the rhythm of life’s ups and downs because of conflict, and they resolve these through conflict resolution. Like any intricate dance, missteps are inevitable.

This leads to disagreements that can range from minor disagreements to complex issues. However, these disagreements, when approached with empathy, understanding, and effective strategies, can transform into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

In this article, we will delve into the heart of matrimonial disagreements, exploring their common causes and unraveling the threads of effective communication and resolution strategies. So, let’s embark on this enlightening journey together, learning how to turn discord into harmony in the beautiful dance of matrimony.

Causes Of Marital Problems

Matrimony, a union of not just two individuals but also of their beliefs, habits, and aspirations, often encounters its fair share of disagreements. Resolving disagreements is crucial for a healthy and lasting relationship.

Financial Issues

Money, often referred to as the root of many matrimonial disagreements, can create significant stress. Differences with the other partner in spending habits, income levels, or financial goals can lead to recurring arguments. Factors that can further exacerbate these disagreements include:

• The stress of debt can cause marriage conflict
• The management of joint expenses can lead to marriage conflict
• Differing financial priorities also cause marriage conflict

It’s crucial for couples to understand their partner’s viewpoint. Having open and honest discussions about finances is essential for finding common ground.

Communication Breakdown

At the heart of many marital issues lies a communication breakdown, causing an inability to handle disagreements. This can manifest as misunderstandings, assumptions, and unmet expectations — all of which can end a happy marriage.

When partners fail to express their needs, feelings, or concerns effectively, it can lead to resentment and frustration. Poor communication can turn minor issues into major disagreements, making it essential for partners to learn and practice effective communication skills.

Parenting Style Differences

Parenting is a significant aspect of matrimonial life, and differing parenting styles can make one or the other partner feel frustrated, creating a major source of disagreements. Disagreements over discipline, education choices, and general upbringing approaches can create tension. Couples need to understand that finding a unified approach to parenting requires patience, discussion, and sometimes, compromise.

No Quality Time

In today’s fast-paced world, couples often struggle to find quality time together. This lack of shared experiences and emotional connection can lead to feelings of neglect or loneliness, fueling marriage discord.

Find a time when you can focus on each other. Making an effort to prioritize time together can help mitigate this issue, whether it’s through:

• Date nights for resolution of marriage conflict
• Shared hobbies for resolution of marriage conflict
• Simple daily rituals for resolution of marriage conflict

Effective Communication Resolutions: Key To Resolving Matrimonial Disagreements

These effective communication techniques can help you transform disagreements into constructive conversations, fostering a deeper understanding and stronger bond in your marriage.

Active Listening Techniques

The cornerstone of effective communication in marriage is active listening. This involves fully concentrating on what your partner is saying, understanding their message, and responding thoughtfully. It means listening to understand, not just to reply. Active listening helps in resolving disputes in matrimony by validating your partner’s feelings and showing that you value their perspective.

Expressing Feelings Appropriately

It’s not just about what you say but how you say it. There’s nothing wrong with how you feel, but it’s important to express feelings in a way that is clear, honest, and respectful to prevent misunderstandings and keep the peace. Avoid accusatory language and ‘you’ statements that can make your spouse go on the defensive. Instead, use ‘I’ statements to express how you feel about specific situations.

Communication isn’t just verbal. Nonverbal cues like body language, eye contact, and tone of voice play a significant role in how messages are received. Positive nonverbal communication can help convey empathy and understanding, while negative cues like rolling eyes or crossed arms can escalate disputes.

In heated moments, it’s also important to have strategies to de-escalate the situation. This might include taking a short break to cool down, using humor (when appropriate), or simply acknowledging that the discussion is becoming too heated and agreeing to revisit the topic later.

Before responding to your partner, ask for clarification to avoid misunderstandings. This shows that you are paying attention and are genuinely interested in understanding their viewpoint.

Conflict Strategies

Couples can certainly learn to handle disagreements more effectively, leading to healthier, more understanding, and more supportive marriage. To achieve this, the following dispute resolution strategies can help:

1. Compromise And Negotiation

The essence of dispute resolution in marriage often lies in the ability to compromise and negotiate — remember, your lives are forever intertwined now. This strategy involves both partners expressing their needs and working together to find a mutually acceptable solution instead of spoiling a fight.

Compromise doesn’t mean one person always gives in; instead, it’s about finding a balance where both partners feel their needs are respected and met. Negotiation is a skill that can be developed with practice, focusing on win-win solutions rather than a zero-sum game.

2. Seeking Professional Help

Sometimes, people in relationships may find it challenging to resolve disputes on their own. In such situations, getting professional help from a therapist or marriage counselor can be beneficial. These professionals can:

• Provide a neutral perspective
• Teach effective communication and conflict-resolution skills
• Help couples understand the underlying issues in their relationship

Therapy can be a safe space for both partners to express their feelings and work towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

On the non-professional side, talking with your friends may make the difference. Sometimes, your parents or family might have advice for you.

3. Time-Out Strategy

During an intense argument, emotions can run high, leading to someone getting angry and upset. That’s when the hurtful speech and harmful behavior come out. Implementing a time-out strategy allows both partners to cool down and gather their thoughts. It’s important to agree on this strategy in advance and to use it respectfully.

A time-out isn’t about avoiding the issue but rather about taking a break for a little while to approach the discussion more calmly and productively.

4. Establishing Ground Rules

Setting clear ground rules for arguments can prevent disputes from escalating. These rules on how to respond might include:

• No yelling
• No interrupting
• No name-calling
• No bringing up past issues

Ground rules help create a respectful environment, even during disagreements.

5. Use Of ‘I’ Statements

In disputes, speaking with ‘I’ statements instead of ‘You’ statements can significantly change the tone of the conversation.

For example, saying “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…” can help in expressing feelings without blaming or accusing the other person. This approach encourages openness and understanding. It also helps to use ‘I’ statements to admit when …

The 2018 Michigan Celebrate Your Marriage Conferences have helped couples all around the state to strengthen their marriage and resolve arising conflicts. Let’s face it. Marriage can be hard because there are a lot of factors that can affect your relationship.

Alcohol addiction is one of the leading causes of divorce around the world. It can invade the lives of married couples, possibly causing arguments, making your spouse violent, and leading to abuse. When you marry someone, you develop a life-long bond with them, but what can happen if your relationship is tested by alcohol addiction?

It Will Be Harder To Trust Each Other

When a married couple drinks alcohol excessively, it can lead to frequent lying. One or both spouses make up excuses to hide their habits and avoid confrontation. It often doesn’t stop at one lie, which can cause suspicions and make it hard to continue trusting your partner. If left unresolved, alcohol can lead to a marriage full of deceit. 

Alcohol Hinders Open Communication

Communication plays a vital role in marriage. Alcohol abuse can take a massive toll on a couple’s dynamic because it affects how you interact. When you refuse to communicate and hear what your spouse has to say, conflicts and misunderstandings may arise. 

In severe cases, communicating can be tense, violent, and even non-existent once alcohol addiction has ruined your relationship.

Adverse Effect On Emotional And Sexual Intimacy

Alcohol addiction can also have adverse effects on your intimacy and care for one another. Remember, a healthy sexual relationship is also a factor in keeping your marriage secure. 

Heavy drinkers are prone to struggle in this area, as alcohol can affect one’s ability to perform. Alcohol is a depressant, and excessive drinking can decrease sexual activity. It can also change the desire and motivation if your spouse has uncontrollable drinking habits.

Alcohol addiction is a serious matter. You have the power to stop this from happening. If you’re experiencing this, you can always talk to somebody and reach out to specialists to save your marriage.…

 

 

If you ever feel remorseful for thinking that your kids are causing marriage problems, well, don’t be guilty. Sometimes it is the case. A child’s disposition and the behavioral condition can throw things off.

 

That’s something in your life that you should be open about and probably accept. Defiance has become a trademark quality of kids these days. Somehow we feel like we have to live with it and just let other “things” adjust.

 

“Things” Like Your Marriage

Relationships and kids are two massive things to juggle, but for superwomen like “US,” it’s doable. Jeffrey Bernstein told us valuable secrets in his book titled “10 Days To A Less Defiant Child.” By following specific rules and transcending some of your emotions, you can get the best behavior out of your kids.

 

With that, your relationship with your husband and your marriage will be stronger. You’re on for a happier life.

 

 

 

When Wives Become Naggers

But at times, being a goody-two-shoes wife and mother is overwhelming. When kids are rebellious and misbehaving, the mother is often left all alone to manage the situations. It is important to note that husbands must also participate in childcare and rearing.

 

It doesn’t mean that because the mother is the primary carer, she is to be left to tend to your children by herself, ALL THE TIME. You are their dad. It is imperative that you help out with the control and disciplining of your children.

 

It is one reason why the moms often switch to their “nagger” mode. They need help. We, the moms, need help from the dads. Your marriage will be much better if you, the fathers of our children, will be “there” to provide additional support.

 

Acknowledge Your Spouse When Necessary

Who doesn’t want appreciation especially from your spouse, right? To the outside world, recognition may come in small packages but in relationships, acknowledging good things that your spouse has done must be a habit. For example:

 

Your husband watched your 3-year-old for 30 minutes so that you can clean up the mess she made in the kitchen. It was your husband’s time to watch his football game, but he took your daughter and gave her a bottle of milk to calm down. She needed changing, but he didn’t notice that and continued watching the game while the little girl was on his lap.

 

How do you proceed with that?

 

You: Thanks for helping out, honey. It means a lot to me that you’re holding her while I clean her mess.

 

And stop right there. Control your tongue. No more talking. The less you say, the better. But if you must, you can tell it like this:

 

You: Thanks for helping out, honey. It means a lot to me that you’re holding her while I clean her mess. Oh, I think she needs changing. Can you help me out with that?

 

If he says, NO, you can do this:

 

You: Oh, ok. I can change her, but will you help me with the kitchen? Please? I would rub your feet later if you help me out with this.

 

One way or another, he will have to move and help you out. But you have to ask nicely and without the quizzical look and tone.

 

I know, it’s hard!!! But you have to do this to maintain your sanity, and the peace within your home. Think of this as putting deposits in your marriage bank accounts. For it to grow, you would need to feed it.

 

Your goal here is teamwork and support. Never forget that parenting is hard and that no matter what you do, things may or may not work, and for that, you would need to lift each other up. You’ll be surprised how simple declarations like “I’m on your team” or “I can see that you’re frustrated, let’s talk” can go such a long way.

 

 

I am not fond of writing long blogs since I don’t want people to get bored while reading it. And so I decided to publish another post shortly after this one to conclude the topic of interconnecting your kid’s behavior and marriage.

 

For now, I leave you with these thoughts, possible scenarios, and practical solutions that may save your marriage amidst the kids (and you both) ruining it unconsciously.…

 

 

 

This blog is a continuation of the previous blog I posted titled “Is Your Child’s Behavior Ruining Your Marriage? Don’t Let It! (First Part).” In the last blog, I mentioned essential matters like how your kid’s behavior can influence a gap in your marriage and things that you can do to enhance your relationship with your husband by not nagging.

 

Here, I am still going to provide some sound advice, as per my experience and from the thoughts of those who have been married for more than 30 years. I hope it can shed light on some of your queries.

 

Accept That Sometimes You Think You’re Going Crazy And That’s Okay

Boom! “Crazy,” that’s a big word. But when you have children who are exhibiting tantrums and such, you’d be that kind of mom.

 

On the topic of acceptance, when it comes to parenting there really are tough pills to swallow – the CRAZY pills.

 

Craziness is relative. If you think that a particular family is breezing through life with an “easy” kid, then, re-check your judgment. They may have a quiet kid, but it doesn’t mean that their situation is a lot better. Many parents may appear replenished when they go outside, but indoors we are all just the same crazy moms (and dads) especially when the kids are at war with us.

 

How can we go about it? Be yourself. Accept that life can be crazy with kids involved. Don’t get “wacko” on your spouse. Let it go – this is life.

 

 

Play To Each Other’s Strengths

I mentioned in the other post that says “I’m on your team” and it can go a long way. Well, in parenting every statement should be backed up with an equal action.

 

As for you and your spouse, you are a team, and you have roles to fulfill when it comes to dealing with the kids. Play to your strengths, and if you can make your kids calm down with your cooking abilities, then do it. If your partner is the type to drag your kids around the park effortlessly, then use that method as well. You are a team and playing with each other’s strength is your best chance of surviving this phase.

 

If your partner is struggling in one aspect and you think that you can help them by taking over, don’t hesitate to do it. You have to talk to your spouse about assisting, as well. Letting things be while your spouse struggles can spell D-O-O-M for your relationship.

 

Call It When Needed, But In A Private Manner

Family dinners, vacations, strolls, and family time, in general, can go the wrong way at times especially when young kids are involved. In those cases, it might be better to pull away a bit and distance everybody from one another.

 

Furthermore, you can try planning out things. As Jeffrey Bernstein put it in his book titled “10 Days To A Less Defiant Child,” an unruly child will not be like that forever. To put things where they should be, you can discipline your child without other people seeing it. You have to build the child’s character at home so that when you go out, he will know how to behave. Just in case your child needs reminding, do it privately.

 

Get Professional Help

I’ve told you that going crazy is a part of things when you have kids and that parenting is tough. It can even break up your marriage because it’s too much to handle. Now, at times, you suck it up. But if things go way out of hand, then by all means, get help.

 

A child psychologist named Mike Fraser explained that a third party could put things in perspective. This professional with a trained eye can assess your situation. He or she will help you towards a therapy or counseling plan specific to your needs.

 

For example, your child is the type of kid to explode and who turns a perfect weekend into a disaster. (Believe me. There is a kid like that.) Professional help is about preparing for that kind of situation and knowing how to handle it when the need arises.

 

 

I know. This blog is long too, and as I said, I needed to divide it since I don’t like writing long articles! Anyway, I hope this blog has helped you in a way. Maintain a loving and understanding relationship with your spouse, even if your child is over the top in unruliness. You can survive this!…

 

 

It’s the little things that you do which keeps me wondering – do you still love me?

 

He asked me if he can sleep in the guest room because the baby was keeping him up all night and he had to work early every morning. That was three years ago, but until now even if the baby is a toddler and doesn’t make a sound at night, he still sleeps in a different bed when he’s here.

 

I said “when he’s here” because as of two years ago, he went back to his hometown for work. As if the distance between us was not enough for him, he had to move 500 miles away from me. We only see each other every other weekend, and every day I had to text or call him first so that we can talk.

 

It was excruciating for me that he was there in the guest room. I know he wanted his rest, but I wanted to rest too. And I needed his presence while taking care of a newborn at 43 years old. Was it too much to ask? He even made a life decision without my say. My husband wanted to work in his hometown, and I was forced to accept that fact. I did it without raising my voice because that’s what he wanted – “I’m going back to New York. I have an offer there. We’ll just set up our schedule.” What else can I say but “okay?”

 

The pain of him “working far away” was unbearable. It was crushing my being, and I felt like he was leaving me for good. But what can I do? He wanted to work there and as his wife, I had to be supportive.

 

 

On the reverse, shouldn’t he be supportive of me too? Why is it that I always had to give and accept? What about me? What about what I want and need from him?

 

Am I overreacting? Is this a little bit dramatic? Am I a drama queen? Is it too bad to desire for your husband’s attention, care, and love? For so long, I didn’t feel that. I remember back then – I would cry during our intimate act because of how much I love him. My whole body trembled because of happiness and pure bliss. Now, after 5 minutes of quickened activity, he would rise after he kisses my forehead. Where is our intimacy these days, huh?

 

What is going on? Something is happening here that I don’t like. I don’t like it at all. It’s not what I expected, and this is not what I want. Do I even matter? My heart tells me to scream, shout, and get angry at this whole messed up situation. Isn’t it my right to tell him how I feel? What will he say about it? I guess it’s time to find out.

 

“You’ve been ignoring me lately, and I don’t get to see you as often as I want to, you know. Can we make an effort and do something about it?”

 

“What are you saying now? You’re not making any sense. What effort? Am I not feeding you and the kids? Are you saying I lack in the provision department? Don’t I give you what you need every day? Three meals and some?”

 

And so, I know now. I wished my husband would have reacted differently, but he saw me like that – a provision – his burden of 3 meals and some.

 

How do I proceed now? Tell me. I can’t think straight, and frankly, my numbness is sinking in.…

 

 Many women – and men – have at one point in their lives been victims of infidelity. In fact, surveys say that more than 20% of married men and 15% of married women have had affairs. Does this validate the cliché ‘cheaters always cheat and liars always lie?’

Here are some collected opinions gathered from therapists and psychologists on whether or not a cheating spouse can turn around and never cheat again, or if it strengthens the notion that cheaters and liars never change.

“Research almost universally suggests that somewhere between 10 and 20 percent of people in committed relationships, both men and women, cheat on their partner.” — Robert Weiss Ph.D., MSW

The Cliché Is Biased. Once we expect that because he cheated once, he will always cheat, then we are belittling a person’s capacity to change for the better. Those who say this have perhaps never felt the guilt that comes after a one-night stand or a short-lived affair. The terrible feeling of having hurt your spouse and your kids has left me unable to sleep for weeks, and it’s the worst feeling ever,” said Tom, a husband who once was tempted to date her secretary while her wife was gone for a business trip. He claimed that it was the only time he was unfaithful and will never do it again.

Cheaters Have A Chance To Work On His Issues. Couple’s therapists have witnessed divorces that happen because of illicit affairs. They’ve also seen couples that decide to stay despite infidelity problems because they want to work things out. A therapist told the Huffington Post that a simple method of determining if your spouse will easily cheat again is if he confesses to his fault and takes full responsibility for what he did. This may happen spontaneously or after a few sessions of counseling. If he does this, they probably won’t cheat again. But if he continues to deny what happened and even gets angry if he is confronted, there’s a very slim chance for change from him.

“As I have observed the fallout from infidelity from the discovery throughout the lengthy process of healing, I have noticed that, even when couples are devoted to rising above adversity, facing their demons, keeping their hearts open, working through pain, grief, anxiety and loss, the process is incredibly difficult.” — Michele Weiner-Davis LCSW

If There Is No Remorse, Change May Not Be Possible. Hats off to spouses who would willingly sit it out in therapy for weeks. Obviously, they want their marriage to work, and they do love their partner. There are still many couples out there that would give anything to rebuild their marriage, and they can do that as long as they feel the remorse and guilt of hurting their partners. However, some simply brush the issue off after a few weeks of committing the infidelity. They want their partners to forget it quickly and may sometimes even blame their partner because they probably needed attention that their partner couldn’t give. When you hear that, you’re in for a serial cheating game. Give it up.

The Cheating Spouse May Be Motivated By The Hurt He Has Caused. This is possible for someone who isn’t used to cheating. He can’t believe that he was able to do that to his partner and his family, and he is very willing to make up for what he’s done. Guilt is an effective motivator for positive change. Perhaps your spouse had to be unfaithful for him to realize that he might lose everything. It is likened to a person who is charged with a DUI. He won’t promise to drink again unless he is detained for a night in jail and is forced to sleep on the floor.

The Betrayed Spouse Needs To Forgive. The cheating spouse maybe 100% sure that he won’t cheat again, but if the betrayed partner can’t forgive, there is no peaceful reconciliation. The mantra that cheaters always cheat and liars always lie alters a person’s capacity to realize that their partner is human, forgivable, and most of all, imperfect. Once the hurt spouse accepts this and opens his or her mind that marriage is precious and needs a second chance, then there is no second chance. But if he or she can move past it, the couple can definitely recover, heal, and be happy again.

“Essentially, rather than trying to control or punish a partner away from infidelity, it is more effective to reward and encourage their faithfulness and love.” — Jeremy Nicholson M.S.W., Ph.D.

 

 …

 

You may not have chosen to be in a long-distance marriage when you exchanged vows with your spouse, for others living apart but together is indeed a reality. It can be because of a family emergency, an inevitable move of your spouse’s company, or any valid reason. Whatever it is, you have got to try and make an effort to make your relationships thrive and survive.

Below are some tips that we have gathered from various marriage therapists on how to navigate a long-distance marriage and make it last.

“Weddings are not the end, but a stop on your train. A significant, theatrical, moment during which you receive recognition for who and what you are.” — Mark O’Connell LCSW-R

• Take Advantage Of Technology. There are times when you need to step back from social media and smartphones, especially when you’ve had too much of it for a day, but for long-distance couples, you can use it to your advantage. Skype and Face Time are free mobile apps that you can always use during your free time. Schedule your talks when you’re done with work, or when you’re at home cooking dinner so the kids can join in the conversation. When you miss each other while working, maybe you can slip your phone and send a sweet message with love emoticons that will assure your partner of your love for him. Stay connected, so you’ll never feel as though you’re miles away.

 

• Post Photos Of You And Your Spouse. If you’re living in a remote area for work reasons, clip some great photos of you and your spouse in the edge of your mirror, or put them in an album and display them by your bedside table. Don’t let the cliché ‘out of sight, out of mind’ beat you. Though it takes more than photos to strengthen your marriage, it does help in reminding you that someone’s waiting for you and trusting that you are keeping the love alive.

• Play The Role Of Couples Living Together. Talk about pretending that you lived together so that when you are in your corresponding places, it won’t seem like you’re very far from each other. The distance will create different lives for you, and if you allow it to destroy your marriage, it probably can. This task is simple, and if you are ready to do anything for the marriage, this you can do.

“The idea of partners having things they want or prefer in order to flourish as individuals and as a couple is a better way to promote a good marriage.” — Catherine Aponte Psy.D.

• Do Not Assume. Don’t make any assumptions just from your spouse’s tone of voice, emails, or text messages. A lot of these are easily mistaken, depending on the way you read them. For instance, you’re trying to call, but he’s not answering. He might be in a meeting, and suddenly you receive this automatic message that says, “I can’t talk right now.” Don’t overreact and think that he’s rejecting you or he’s not interested. Wait for him to call you or ask him when you do your usual video calls. You mustn’t get your insecurities in the way of your relationship. Agree that both of you will mend misunderstandings not through texts but through video conversations where things are clearer.

• Make A Commitment To End The Distance. Work and family are important, and partners must try their best to understand that as much as they can. But in the end, there must be an expiration date to the long-distance contract. Although you think you can do it, it isn’t right to be away from each other forever. Do what you can. Save up while you’re away for your future. Finally, live together as a family because you ought to.

“While I see these nuptial changes as positive evolution, I feel that we still have a one-size-fits-all model for partnering in a culture that increasingly celebrates our differences. These newer proposals are simply time-limited and toned-down versions of the same thing with the same expectations.” — Susan Pease Gadoua L.C.S.W.

 

 …

Robin Thicke and Paula Patton announced their split after a marriage of twenty years. Although the actual cause of their parting is not apparent, there are rumors that Robin is having indiscretions and rumors about betrayal. This can most definitely destroy a family.…