Month: November 2019

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Why Working On Your Marriage Is Important (Even When It’s Going Well)

Your marriage may seem great and maybe it is great. Maybe you have discovered ways to work through all your problems or to work as a team in every way possible. Maybe things are wonderful. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore things that are happening in your marriage. As John Amodeo Ph.D.,  MFT said, “Sadly, there is often a gap between the love we feel in our heart and the emotional intimacy we experience with someone.”

What kind of problems are you having even if you are able to work them out together? What things kind of annoy you about your partner but you just ignore them or let it go? Those are the things you need to think about.

The Little Things

There is no doubt there are going to be some things about your partner that you aren’t 100% in love with. They may have some little habits that annoy you but you don’t say anything because ‘I can just live with it’. Well, those things are going to continue to annoy you over time and if you’re not careful, they can become the catalyst for something else entirely. There are always going to be things about your partner that aren’t your favorite thing. Talking to them about these things and why they bug you is a great way to build on your relationship before those little things start taking you down from the inside.

The Problems

Think about the problems that you do have. When you fight, what happens? Why are you arguing? Even if you find ways to work it out, are you arguing about the same things every time? If you are then it’s something that you should be working on together before your next fight. Why continue to argue about it when you could work out a solution so that it doesn’t happen again? You’ll definitely feel better about the situation that way and it works better for the future. In the words of Catherine Aponte PsyD, “Communication in a personal relationship is about a husband and a wife collaborating with each other by sharing perceptions, feeling, ideas, and thoughts so that they can come to an understanding of what is happening between them—what their joint reality is.”

 

Talk to Each Other

Sit down and talk about the things that you would like your partner to do for you. Maybe you don’t want to do the dishes all the time and you’d appreciate if they did. Maybe you don’t want to be solely responsible for taking care of the car and would like them to do it sometimes. Letting the other person know what you want from them is a great way to make sure you’re going to get it. After all, they can’t fix what they don’t know is wrong.

Think about the last time your partner did something that made you feel really special or made you really happy. Let them know that you appreciated it or really enjoyed it. This will definitely make them more likely to do the same thing again in the future because they know you like it and they know you appreciated it.  Your partner wants to make you happy just like you want to make them happy, so don’t be afraid to keep talking about the good and the bad things in your relationship.

 

Working on your relationship when things are good is actually great. It’s going to help you feel happier in your relationship for a long time to come, and that’s what you’re really looking for. You want to be happy with your partner all the time, and while that may not always be possible, it is possible for you to cut down on the arguments. A relationship that is already damaged or where the couple is already struggling is a lot harder to fix than one where the relationship is healthy and all you’re doing is continuing to improve. Don’t let anything get in the way of a good relationship for you and your partner.

“In every intimate relationship, empathy is the key to relationship success.” — April Eldemire LMFT

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When Your Husband Doesn’t Want To Have Sex, Ask A Psychiatrist On What To Do

 

 

“Don’t underestimate the impact of your physical situation.” — Stan Tatkin Psy.D.

When we were still dating, my boyfriend and now husband of 12 years, were like rabbits. Sex here, sex there, and sex everywhere. No corner in my apartment or his condo was left unblessed by our act of “love,” and he was such a God in the bed, table, chair, floor, and balcony… ok, I’ll stop there. What I want to stress out is that twelve years ago, our physical intimacy was off the roof.

 

Now, if you ask me about our sex life, it’s almost non-existent. We don’t have sex that much anymore and our last “encounter” was I think on my birthday. I became 38 about two months ago. It wasn’t even that good for he had a quickie and I was left wanting for more.

“In our 21st century culture, an intimate relationship that contains good sex is the stated ideal. Yet more than 10 percent of committed couples are having sex with each other only rarely, if at all, and yet consider themselves to be in a happy relationship.” — Isadora Alman MFT, CST

At first, I didn’t mind it. My husband was so pressured at work with his quota and all. I understood him at that time. One week became two and the weeks flew to a month. I would start with my sexy advances, and he’d say – “Oh, I would love to hun, but I’m so tired. Can we do it this weekend?” Of course, I’d say yes and then, the weekend came. Still, there was another reason and then another, and another. He shrugs it off and forgets about the whole thing. I mean, who would intentionally forget about sex?

 

I questioned myself. What is happening here? Is there something wrong? Am I not good enough for him? Does he not find me attractive anymore? Or maybe it’s because I’m too fat? I did gain about 15 pounds after my last delivery. He is not a fan of chubby women, I know that. What he wants is a slim and athletic woman who is not me right now. Or the worse, IS HE HAVING AN AFFAIR?

 

 

My husband doesn’t like confrontations, and in the few instances that I questioned him about something personal, it didn’t end well. I had no one to talk to about my problem, and it was making me anxious. The once happy and jolly me was also very depressed. Once I hit that “something is wrong with me” realization, I made a brilliant move for myself and my marriage. My gut told me to ring a psychiatrist for assistance and I’m so glad that I did it.

“The elusive intimacy we seek doesn’t congeal through the knee jerk reaction of criticizing and attacking our loved ones.” — John Amodeo Ph.D., MFT

She was able to talk me out of overthinking the whole situation, and on doubting myself. I hated all of that when it plagued my weak mind. It made me insecure, and my self-esteem was declining which was a lousy way of handling myself. My shrink told me that I am better than this and if I have a problem with my husband, maybe there are words to say to him that cannot offend, but still communicate how I genuinely feel.

 

I came to my husband on a weekend when he was relaxing on his big Papa Bear chair. My first move was asking him if we can talk. He closed Moby Dick and put down his glasses. He said that yes, he was free to speak with me. After that, I said that I love him very much and that our marriage means the world to me. I proceeded with “I want to tell you something which I hope will come to you as something constructive and repairable. Please don’t judge me and do tell me how you feel about it because I value your feelings.”

 

And so, I told him that I have sexual needs which haven’t been met for months. After a brief explanation from me, my husband held my hand. He said: “I’m so sorry, hun. I promise that I will do better from now on and make an effort to make you feel that you are the most attractive woman in this universe for me.” He kissed me, and you know what happened next.

 

 

It wasn’t always perfect after that. There are days when my husband would take a step back from his promise, but he would work on the issue as soon as he realizes his shortcoming. He also wanted to do a couples counseling thing and that was a good sign for me. At least, he is trying his best.…

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Nurturing Love: The Joys and Challenges of Married Life

Talking about marriage, we often believe that others have been living much better-wedded relationships. We always assume that financially wealthy people have it all – happy matrimony, sex, and family when there is money. Well, it is not always like that.

Did we overlook something? Is it superficial or misguided to equate a substantial bank account with genuine happiness? While money can provide temporary satisfaction and improve certain aspects of our lives, it does not guarantee lasting fulfillment.

I met Sally and Richard Langley when we moved to their neighborhood a few years back. They have three kids, all grown up, but they had an unusual setup. All of their adult children live with them, and each has a husband or wife. I thought that such a situation could only occur in a film, with characters portrayed by Chris Cooper as Harry Allen, Rachel McAdams, and Pierce Brosnan, or in narratives found on websites or external links related to indie movies or music. However, this turned out to be a true story.

I think it’s because of their culture and traditions – they’re Filipino, and from what I’ve heard, Filipinos are clannish, and the parents are relevant enablers. They think it’s their responsibility to support the union of their 25-year-old son, whose spouse just gave birth.

“Typically, a one-time sexual encounter is not as devastating as repeated infidelities or a long-term affair.” — Robert Weiss Ph.D., MSW

I wasn’t going to judge their situation as if I were an audience watching their lives unfold, but yes, Sally was my closest friend in a world of wealth. They can afford to feed 15 people every day, but is this one necessary role? Does it make sense for them to continue playing saints for everyone and pay for everything in their household?  There was a moment Sally cried her eyes out last year because she was hurt, and I overheard her talking with her sister on the phone. While she loved witnessing her children’s journeys unfold and showering them with affection, she wished for them to be independent, gain knowledge, and achieve success on their own terms. I also know for a fact that the husband has multiple partners outside of their committed relationship. Well, it’s not a “mistress,” and it’s a “master” since Richard is a closeted gay man.

They look happy on the outside, doing crazy and fun things together, but they’re keeping secrets from each other. Richard is intelligent but gay, and Sally didn’t want to continue taking care of their grown-up kids. I mean, what else are they concealing in the carefully constructed narrative they present as their shared existence? How can one be expected to be genuinely contented in a committed partnership enveloped in trouble and lies?

When Things Aren’t What It Seems

Here are Ellie and Carl. They seem like the epitome of a perfect partnership, having spent nearly 25 years together. From what Carl said, they started young and entered into a committed partnership at 19. The couple has six children, (oh,they’ve certainly been keeping busy), and their video library business is booming.

The house is perfect. No chair is out of place and everything else is in order. Moreover, Carl would continuously post quality pictures with precise edits of Ellie and the kids on social media – saying how much he loves his wife and that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. That’s their way of expressing love. Who wouldn’t melt with that statement of “love,” right?

“Among couples today, cybersex and Internet infidelity are leading causes of divorce.” — Samantha Smithstein Psy.D.

I was so wrong. One day, while I was waiting for Ellie at their home, Carl cornered me against the wall — like a scary scene in a movie. He thought ahead that my comments of “You look so happy!” or “I’m totally jealous!” on his website posts meant that ‘I wanted him. It’s so absurd.  How can he claim to love his relationship when he preys on any woman that provides harmless comments on his Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter? I’m pretty sure there are others, and Carl is a God in physical appearance with a head full of curls and seemingly impeccable manners. Some women may not be as principled as me. Oh, poor woman! And she always asks me if I saw his flavor of the month like they are lyrics from a rap genre song. She knows! How sad.
Work On Yourself

Don’t Let Lies Ruin You As A Person

I find all of it disturbing. While she loved witnessing her children’s journeys unfold and showering them with affection, she wished for them to be independent, gain knowledge, and achieve success on their own terms. You’ll only realize the true reality when you’re struggling with complications.I think what I’m determined to say here is that there’s no perfect union. Cash can’t link you to beautiful partnerships. It has to be you.You need to make an effort to make your own side of the fence greener so you and your partner can be on the same page. Otherwise, everything — from distance to emotions to spirit to even the tone of voice — can inject poison into it and result in unhappiness.

“Forgiveness may eventually come, but forgetting never does. The matrimony is changed forever, innocence and dreams are lost.” — Michele Weiner-Davis LCSW

Finally
If you forget the values, principles, and morals in living, then where will you be? Can you continue being unfaithful forever? Will you be able to conceal your sexuality until the end? Do you believe that you can continuously suppress your true feelings? You can’t. That’s why you have to be honest with yourself if you want to truly experience happiness in your committed relationship.

(Remember: Bottling up everything can cause significant mental damage, and if you’re at that point right now, understand that you may benefit from seeking professional help, such as online counseling.)

FAQs

What Makes Happy Marriages?

Effective communication, mutual respect, trust, shared values, and emotional support are key factors that contribute to happy partnerships.

Why Does Love Diminish After Entering Into a Commitment?

Love may diminish after entering into a commitment due to various factors such as complacency, lack of communication, unresolved conflicts, and neglecting the emotional needs of both partners.  Additionally, the demands of everyday routines, external stressors, and the passage of time can also contribute to a gradual decline in the intensity of romantic love. However, with effort, open communication, and a commitment to nurturing the relationship, love can be rekindled and grow stronger over time in a committed partnership.

What Is The Most Challenging Year Of Your Marital Journey?

The most challenging year of a marital journey can vary for each couple, as it depends on various factors and individual …

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Is Your Child’s Behavior Ruining Your Marriage? Don’t Let It! (First Part)

 

 

If you ever feel remorseful for thinking that your kids are causing marriage problems, well, don’t be guilty. Sometimes it is the case. A child’s disposition and the behavioral condition can throw things off.

 

That’s something in your life that you should be open about and probably accept. Defiance has become a trademark quality of kids these days. Somehow we feel like we have to live with it and just let other “things” adjust.

 

“Things” Like Your Marriage

Relationships and kids are two massive things to juggle, but for superwomen like “US,” it’s doable. Jeffrey Bernstein told us valuable secrets in his book titled “10 Days To A Less Defiant Child.” By following specific rules and transcending some of your emotions, you can get the best behavior out of your kids.

 

With that, your relationship with your husband and your marriage will be stronger. You’re on for a happier life.

 

 

 

When Wives Become Naggers

But at times, being a goody-two-shoes wife and mother is overwhelming. When kids are rebellious and misbehaving, the mother is often left all alone to manage the situations. It is important to note that husbands must also participate in childcare and rearing.

 

It doesn’t mean that because the mother is the primary carer, she is to be left to tend to your children by herself, ALL THE TIME. You are their dad. It is imperative that you help out with the control and disciplining of your children.

 

It is one reason why the moms often switch to their “nagger” mode. They need help. We, the moms, need help from the dads. Your marriage will be much better if you, the fathers of our children, will be “there” to provide additional support.

 

Acknowledge Your Spouse When Necessary

Who doesn’t want appreciation especially from your spouse, right? To the outside world, recognition may come in small packages but in relationships, acknowledging good things that your spouse has done must be a habit. For example:

 

Your husband watched your 3-year-old for 30 minutes so that you can clean up the mess she made in the kitchen. It was your husband’s time to watch his football game, but he took your daughter and gave her a bottle of milk to calm down. She needed changing, but he didn’t notice that and continued watching the game while the little girl was on his lap.

 

How do you proceed with that?

 

You: Thanks for helping out, honey. It means a lot to me that you’re holding her while I clean her mess.

 

And stop right there. Control your tongue. No more talking. The less you say, the better. But if you must, you can tell it like this:

 

You: Thanks for helping out, honey. It means a lot to me that you’re holding her while I clean her mess. Oh, I think she needs changing. Can you help me out with that?

 

If he says, NO, you can do this:

 

You: Oh, ok. I can change her, but will you help me with the kitchen? Please? I would rub your feet later if you help me out with this.

 

One way or another, he will have to move and help you out. But you have to ask nicely and without the quizzical look and tone.

 

I know, it’s hard!!! But you have to do this to maintain your sanity, and the peace within your home. Think of this as putting deposits in your marriage bank accounts. For it to grow, you would need to feed it.

 

Your goal here is teamwork and support. Never forget that parenting is hard and that no matter what you do, things may or may not work, and for that, you would need to lift each other up. You’ll be surprised how simple declarations like “I’m on your team” or “I can see that you’re frustrated, let’s talk” can go such a long way.

 

 

I am not fond of writing long blogs since I don’t want people to get bored while reading it. And so I decided to publish another post shortly after this one to conclude the topic of interconnecting your kid’s behavior and marriage.

 

For now, I leave you with these thoughts, possible scenarios, and practical solutions that may save your marriage amidst the kids (and you both) ruining it unconsciously.…

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Is Your Child’s Behavior Ruining Your Marriage? Don’t Let It! (Second Part)

 

 

 

This blog is a continuation of the previous blog I posted titled “Is Your Child’s Behavior Ruining Your Marriage? Don’t Let It! (First Part).” In the last blog, I mentioned essential matters like how your kid’s behavior can influence a gap in your marriage and things that you can do to enhance your relationship with your husband by not nagging.

 

Here, I am still going to provide some sound advice, as per my experience and from the thoughts of those who have been married for more than 30 years. I hope it can shed light on some of your queries.

 

Accept That Sometimes You Think You’re Going Crazy And That’s Okay

Boom! “Crazy,” that’s a big word. But when you have children who are exhibiting tantrums and such, you’d be that kind of mom.

 

On the topic of acceptance, when it comes to parenting there really are tough pills to swallow – the CRAZY pills.

 

Craziness is relative. If you think that a particular family is breezing through life with an “easy” kid, then, re-check your judgment. They may have a quiet kid, but it doesn’t mean that their situation is a lot better. Many parents may appear replenished when they go outside, but indoors we are all just the same crazy moms (and dads) especially when the kids are at war with us.

 

How can we go about it? Be yourself. Accept that life can be crazy with kids involved. Don’t get “wacko” on your spouse. Let it go – this is life.

 

 

Play To Each Other’s Strengths

I mentioned in the other post that says “I’m on your team” and it can go a long way. Well, in parenting every statement should be backed up with an equal action.

 

As for you and your spouse, you are a team, and you have roles to fulfill when it comes to dealing with the kids. Play to your strengths, and if you can make your kids calm down with your cooking abilities, then do it. If your partner is the type to drag your kids around the park effortlessly, then use that method as well. You are a team and playing with each other’s strength is your best chance of surviving this phase.

 

If your partner is struggling in one aspect and you think that you can help them by taking over, don’t hesitate to do it. You have to talk to your spouse about assisting, as well. Letting things be while your spouse struggles can spell D-O-O-M for your relationship.

 

Call It When Needed, But In A Private Manner

Family dinners, vacations, strolls, and family time, in general, can go the wrong way at times especially when young kids are involved. In those cases, it might be better to pull away a bit and distance everybody from one another.

 

Furthermore, you can try planning out things. As Jeffrey Bernstein put it in his book titled “10 Days To A Less Defiant Child,” an unruly child will not be like that forever. To put things where they should be, you can discipline your child without other people seeing it. You have to build the child’s character at home so that when you go out, he will know how to behave. Just in case your child needs reminding, do it privately.

 

Get Professional Help

I’ve told you that going crazy is a part of things when you have kids and that parenting is tough. It can even break up your marriage because it’s too much to handle. Now, at times, you suck it up. But if things go way out of hand, then by all means, get help.

 

A child psychologist named Mike Fraser explained that a third party could put things in perspective. This professional with a trained eye can assess your situation. He or she will help you towards a therapy or counseling plan specific to your needs.

 

For example, your child is the type of kid to explode and who turns a perfect weekend into a disaster. (Believe me. There is a kid like that.) Professional help is about preparing for that kind of situation and knowing how to handle it when the need arises.

 

 

I know. This blog is long too, and as I said, I needed to divide it since I don’t like writing long articles! Anyway, I hope this blog has helped you in a way. Maintain a loving and understanding relationship with your spouse, even if your child is over the top in unruliness. You can survive this!…