Therapist Explains Why People Often Choose Difficult Partners

We are free to choose the kind of person we want to share our lives with. Admittedly we intend to love someone based on our desired preference. Though there are religions and traditions that practice match-making, dynastic urgency, or social convention, most of us are not forced into a relationship for these reasons. However, in reality, our choice of lover is a lot less free than we can imagine. The idea of who we want to care for and love usually comes from a part that we never entirely look into – our childhood.

There is a strong psychological history that influences us to fall in love with certain types of people. We think of it as a preference-based emotional attachment. It goes along the grooves formed in our childhood, focusing only on perfection and romanticism. That explains why we often look for individuals who are too good to be true in many ways. There is an emotional entrapment because we only see love as a form of generosity, kindness, and tenderness. But when we think about it, these distinguished preferences come from our first-hand experience with our parents. Therefore, our desire for love from someone is based on how our parents treat us when we’re kids.

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How We Choose Our Partner?

Understandably, we often look away from those people who do not fit our desired preferences. The prospected candidates do not satisfy our yearning for complexity that we want to associate with love and relationship. Thus, we usually describe these individuals as “boring,” “unattractive,” and “not our type” However, there is a truth we meant by that. Our ideology is that we see these people who we turn down will unlikely make us feel loved. It will less likely create the same impact we often see with our parents’ relationship when we were kids.

Nevertheless, there’s a realization that we need to consider as well. The perfection in our partner that we aim so much can also come from the opposite reflection of our parents. Meaning, when we often witness marital complications when we were kids, we automatically want to destroy the continuation of that unfortunate scenario. Love gets tangled with certain painful experiences. There’s the feeling of not being good enough. It goes with betrayal, jealousy, and abuse. There’s a sense that one cannot be fully vulnerable in front of the other. We often witness this kind of relationship with our parents. So as we grow older, we try our best to avoid experiencing the same.

But some instances choosing a partner is merely a challenge we intend to give ourselves. We hang on to those complicated individuals because they provide the thrilling experience of pain, anxiety, agony, and rage at the same time. We always choose them to be in our lives because these complicated people give us satisfaction whenever we feel out of the ordinary.

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Why Stick With The Difficult Partner?

It often becomes common to receive advice from others to leave our complicated partners to settle with someone more wholesome. But this can be easier said than done. Our ability to endure pain is what makes us more drawn to the idea of love. We cannot magically redirect our feelings and get easily attracted to someone we think is the opposite of our current partner. But we do not also let go of the possibility of getting a room for change. That explains why instead of looking for someone new, we put too much effort into aiming for our partner’s transformation.

However, there is always a solution in handling situations better. That is why instead of initiating and trying very hard to alter our partners, we would choose to make room for small considerations. From there, we make simple adjustments to our responses and behaviors to occasionally handle the difficulty of our partners.

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Takeaway

We might find it hard to change our templates for attraction probably. But we can always re-engineer our instincts and learn to react based on how our partners communicate and interact with us. We need to think through the constructive and mature manner of handling the relationship like a rational adult. We should not regard the whole commitment as a replica of our parents’ relationship that we often see as a child. We need to become open-minded with the enormous opportunity to get away from our childlike preferences and focus on adult patterns.

The challenge of handling someone difficult should not go with “I have to fix you,” “I deserve this,” and “You need to change.” It should be handled with “I don’t have to feel bad,” “It’s no one’s fault,” and “You are okay the way you are.” We have to remember that the answer is not always to end the relationship, regardless of having a complicated partner. Instead, there is a need to strive to deal with the compelling challenges to grow up mentally and emotionally fully.

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Common Marital Issues According To A Therapist

All marriages struggle with their relationship, and there is no exemption to that. Despite each couple’s ability to understand the situation and compromise, there will still be times when both won’t sustain their individual needs. Regardless of whether the marital issue is solvable or should lead to divorce, it is guaranteed that most married couples have similar concerns. Some factors can ruin their marital commitment, and sometimes they go unnoticeable. To know what those are, below is the list.

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Finances – Married couples often fight about money. Regardless of their ability to avoid misinterpreting each other, financial issues will surely become part of their misunderstandings one way or another. Financial matters cater to broad needs, whether personal, child care, home responsibilities, social life, and so on. Often, couples are uncomfortable discussing financial matters because usually, only one of them is earning money. However, for instance, that both can provide for the family, issues can still escalate as to how much they are allowed to spend and hold some cash.

Labor Division – Married couples usually have issues with labor division, especially related to household chores. For the likes of the husband, usually, they do not intend to commit to doing a lot in the house since they are the ones providing for the family. Therefore, it would be safe to say that the wife should be responsible for taking care of the needs of the children and the house. However, the imbalance creates a problem as most wives feel that marriage is a little bit unfair. Because not only do the wives handle everything in the house, they are also responsible for remembering and taking care of small things, making them busy and unavailable for rest.

Parenting Differences – Parenting is an entirely common marital issue that most couples do not want to discuss. Perhaps they know that the conversation might not end well regarding who has the more right to ruling the kids. Usually, tension regarding how often or who the children should socialize with, what the kids should achieve, and how they should behave are the things that couples struggle to deal with. The parenting differences can cause a rift in the couple because often, the other becomes in favor while the other parent disapproves.

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Boredom – Not all relationship succeeds just by staying the same. Whether they like it or not, the marital relationship will soon come to a point where both individuals will feel bored with each other. They will become less interested in what they once enjoyed and somehow feel that their love for each other is wearing off. At times, marriage can be salvageable. There are things that married couples can do to keep the relationship back on track. They can experiment in doing exciting things together. Sadly, most of the time, it gets to a point where one or both couple calls it quits.

Abuse – No marriage goes on for years without abuse. There are always some instances that a husband or a wife abuses their partner for whatever reason. Abuse is not just about physical aspects. It also caters to the mental and emotional torture one experiences inside the marital relationship. Note that each married coupes’ are different. So if some may consider allowance for mistakes, others may choose to leave the relationship without a blink of an eye. Every decision concerning abuse depends on the couple’s mental and emotional tolerance and resilience.

Intimacy – Yes, sex is a factor that mostly affects married couples. It is a known fact that sexual intimacy is the turning point of the marital relationship. Couples who are frequently having sex may find themselves more connected and passionate with each other. But note that it does not mean that those who are not intimate are unusual. Couples may have a different representation of intimacy. However, in common situations, married couples struggle with their sexual compatibility or incompatibility. Sadly, that explains why some of them end up dissatisfied.

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Jealousy – Marriage won’t be complete without jealousy. As much as couples want to deny it, there is always a portion in their relationship that one or both of them feel insecure. Jealousy in marriage is crucial as it can cause turmoil in the emotional aspects of both individuals. It is stressful because it comes with doubts, fear, and anxiety, leading to a whole new level of mental health problems. Jealousy in marriage can also spur conflict due to unrealistic expectations.

Keeping Scores – It is the root of all misunderstandings in marital relationships. Keeping score is a potential breaker of a relationship as couples may find themselves too focused on their partner’s wrongdoings. It hinders them from appreciating the beauty of being together as they build resentment towards one another. Keeping score in marriage is a habit that not all married couples can see. Unfortunately, it is also not something that husband and wife can easily avoid.

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