As part of my continuing education, I went to the 2018 Marriage Counselors Conference, and there, I understood the reason why I am a certified therapist or counselor. Yes, I am a marriage counselor, and yes, I have been married. The phrase is “I have been” because I am not married anymore. A few years before I had my certification, I was married.…
Your marriage may seem great and maybe it is great. Maybe you have discovered ways to work through all your problems or to work as a team in every way possible. Maybe things are wonderful. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore things that are happening in your marriage. As John Amodeo Ph.D., MFT said, “Sadly, there is often a gap between the love we feel in our heart and the emotional intimacy we experience with someone.”
What kind of problems are you having even if you are able to work them out together? What things kind of annoy you about your partner but you just ignore them or let it go? Those are the things you need to think about.
The Little Things
There is no doubt there are going to be some things about your partner that you aren’t 100% in love with. They may have some little habits that annoy you but you don’t say anything because ‘I can just live with it’. Well, those things are going to continue to annoy you over time and if you’re not careful, they can become the catalyst for something else entirely. There are always going to be things about your partner that aren’t your favorite thing. Talking to them about these things and why they bug you is a great way to build on your relationship before those little things start taking you down from the inside.
Think about the problems that you do have. When you fight, what happens? Why are you arguing? Even if you find ways to work it out, are you arguing about the same things every time? If you are then it’s something that you should be working on together before your next fight. Why continue to argue about it when you could work out a solution so that it doesn’t happen again? You’ll definitely feel better about the situation that way and it works better for the future. In the words of Catherine Aponte PsyD, “Communication in a personal relationship is about a husband and a wife collaborating with each other by sharing perceptions, feeling, ideas, and thoughts so that they can come to an understanding of what is happening between them—what their joint reality is.”
Talk to Each Other
Sit down and talk about the things that you would like your partner to do for you. Maybe you don’t want to do the dishes all the time and you’d appreciate if they did. Maybe you don’t want to be solely responsible for taking care of the car and would like them to do it sometimes. Letting the other person know what you want from them is a great way to make sure you’re going to get it. After all, they can’t fix what they don’t know is wrong.
Think about the last time your partner did something that made you feel really special or made you really happy. Let them know that you appreciated it or really enjoyed it. This will definitely make them more likely to do the same thing again in the future because they know you like it and they know you appreciated it. Your partner wants to make you happy just like you want to make them happy, so don’t be afraid to keep talking about the good and the bad things in your relationship.
Working on your relationship when things are good is actually great. It’s going to help you feel happier in your relationship for a long time to come, and that’s what you’re really looking for. You want to be happy with your partner all the time, and while that may not always be possible, it is possible for you to cut down on the arguments. A relationship that is already damaged or where the couple is already struggling is a lot harder to fix than one where the relationship is healthy and all you’re doing is continuing to improve. Don’t let anything get in the way of a good relationship for you and your partner.
“In every intimate relationship, empathy is the key to relationship success.” — April Eldemire LMFT
Is grass always greener on the other side? Do we believe that our relatives and friends have a better life? We always assume that a financially wealthy friend or relative has it all – money, career, family, and love. Are we that blind? Is it too shallow for us to equate a lot of dollars in one’s bank account as real-life joy? Well, it’s not always like that. Money can buy temporary happiness, but it’s not long-lasting.
Lies Cover Up Your Real Feelings
I met Sally and Dick when we moved to their neighborhood a few years back. They have three kids, all grown up, but they had a weird setup. All of their adult children live with them, and each had a spouse. I think it’s because of their culture and traditions – they’re Filipino, and from what I’ve heard, Filipinos are clannish, and the parents are often enablers. They think it’s their responsibility to support their 25-year-old son whose wife just gave birth.
“Typically, a one-time sexual encounter is not as devastating as repeated infidelities or a long-term affair.” — Robert Weiss Ph.D., MSW
It’s not for me to judge them, but yes, Sally and Dick are rich. They can afford to feed 15 people every day, but is this a life one must lead? Do they have to pay for everyone and everything in the household? I saw Sally cry her eyes out last year, and I overheard her talking with her sister on the phone. While she loved her children very much, she wishes for them to be independent and strive on their own. I also know for a fact that Dick is having an affair. Well, it’s not a “mistress,” and it’s a “master” since Dick is a closeted gay man.
They look happy on the outside, but they’re keeping secrets from each other. Dick is gay, and Sally didn’t want to take care of their grown-up kids. I mean, what else are they hiding? How can one be genuinely contented in a life enveloped with lies?
When Things Are Not What It Seems
Here are Kaye and Miller. They seem like the best couple ever for being married almost 25 years. From what Miller said, they started young and tied the knot at 19. The couple has six children, (oh, they’ve been busy), and their business is booming.
The house is perfect. No chair out of place and everything else is in order. What’s more, Miller would continuously post pics of Kaye and the kids on social media – saying how much he loves his wife and that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Who wouldn’t melt with that statement of “love,” right?
“Among couples today, cybersex and Internet infidelity are leading causes of divorce.” — Samantha Smithstein Psy.D.
I was so wrong. One day, while I was in their home waiting for Kaye, Miller pinned me on the wall. He thought my comments of “You look so happy!” or “I’m totally jealous!” on his social media posts meant that “I want him.” It’s so absurd. How can he love his wife when he preys on every woman that provides harmless comments on his Instagram, Facebook or Twitter? I’m pretty sure there are others, and Mike is a God in physical appearance. Some women may not be as principled as me. Oh, poor Kaye! And she always asks me if I saw Mike’s flavor of the month. Kaye knows!
Work On Yourself, Don’t Let Lies Ruin You As A Person
I find all of it disturbing. You can assume that another person’s life is so much better than yours just because they have money, nice cars, big houses, and expensive things. You’ll only realize the actual deal when you’re there. I think what I’m trying to say here is that there’s no perfect life. Money can’t afford you a beautiful marriage. It has to be you. You need to make an effort to make the grass greener on your side of the fence.
“Forgiveness may come eventually, but forgetting never does. The marriage is changed forever, innocence and dreams lost.” — Michele Weiner-Davis LCSW
If you forget the values, principles, and morals in life, then where will you be? Can you be a cheater forever? Will you be able to hide your sexuality ‘til the end? Do you believe that you can continuously push back your real feelings? You can’t. That’s why you have to be honest to yourself if you want to experience real happiness in life.
(Keeping everything bottled up can cause so much mental damage, and if you’re at that point right now, you may benefit from online counseling.)…
“I didn’t know that my bubbly, fun-loving, and larger-than-life wife would ever have an anxiety disorder. She was a positive person, in her old life, before the “incident” happened to her. She was mugged right outside our home one night almost two years ago, and the animal also stabbed her in the belly. My wife was carrying our 4-month-old baby inside her at that time and lost him. I was too selfish to believe that she’d be fine just because she told me not to worry about her.”…
Sex plays a huge role in an intimate relationship. It is a human’s way of expressing their intimate emotions to their respective partners. However, there comes a point in most couple’s lives wherein the intimacy spell fades out, leaving the relationship utterly sexless. This issue, of course, affects not just the physical contact between the couple but their relationship as well.
“Having a sexless marriage can feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.” — Lisa Thomas LMFT
How Does Lack Of Intimacy Affect Both Partners?
For men, intimacy issue is a big problem. It can lead to heightened frustration, anxiety and even trigger insecurities. It can put considerable damage in their self-perception. Between a man and a woman, the man is more sexual. Thus, this is a big issue for them.
For women, intimacy problem is also a dilemma. But the impact is not as profound as that of men. Women can divert their sexual urges to simple emotional connections with their partners and be contented with it.
Can A Sexless Marriage Survive?
Every married couple is unique. There is a significant number of marriages that have overcome sexless relationships and remain married to each other. They are still together due to culture, duty, religion, and obligation. In some cultures, they believe that marriage is more than just sex and that is why they choose to be together than be overwhelmed with physical problems.
How Does One Cope In A Marriage Without Sex?
Intimacy drops and rises. There will come to a point in one’s life wherein sex life becomes a chore and later on becomes stagnant. But there’s always hope in every situation. People have different ways of coping with this type of situation.
“Couples in sexless marriages offer the Anti-Magi gift; they figure out what the other most desires and withhold it.” — Laurie J Watson LMFT, LPC
Tips To Fix A Sexless Marriage
Just like any other issue, sexless marriage can be fixed. However, effort should be exerted in both parties. Below are some tips to rekindle back the fire into your sex life:
- Determine the factor that gets you and your partner into that situation.
- Have an open conversation with your partner.
- Don’t play the blame game. Instead, ascertain what you have contributed to the issue.
- Control your temper.
- Make a goal that you and your partner will fix the intimacy problem.
- Start with the primary physical contacts like holding of hands, etc.
- Tell your partner how you miss him whenever you are apart from each other.
- Do things together – talk, be in each other’s arms while watching a movie, etc.
- Make yourself attractive to your partner. Get fit and maintain a healthy physique.
- Do not complain too much, nag, or be too clingy.
- Share your fantasies with your partner, whether they are sexual or not.
- Leave old issues, bitterness, resentments, and unpleasant memories behind. Treat your partner with love, affection, and kindness.
- Forgive your partner for his shortcomings.
- Make an effort in serving your partner.
- Be adventurous, experiment some sex games.
- In every success, celebrate.
- Have time to get involved in marriage or couple retreats.
- Spend holidays and weekends with lots of memories and fun things to do.
- Recall the times when you both were so into each other. Bring that passion back to present times.
If you need more guidance or if you feel that nothing works, seek professional help. Intimacy problems can be resolved. However, it requires the two of you to be involved. Be optimistic and work hand-in-hand with your partner. These problems can be resolved if there is love.
“Physical intimacy cannot be resolved without emotional intimacy, so take the courageous step and voice your concerns either to your spouse or a trained professional.” — Sam Louie MA, LMHC
“Safety and trust in relationships go hand-in-hand: Safety lays the foundation for trust, and trust over time morphs into safety.” — Robert Taibbi L.C.S.W.
Most people find it weird and frightening to bring in someone who can mediate and give your marriage a fix. That was then. Now, the stigma has increasingly been lifted, and a lot of couples have experienced awesome results from their therapy. Even those who have great relationships go into counseling just to look for advice on how to strengthen their bonds. However, not all couples have found it easy to begin with therapy, just as not all have gotten positive outcomes after going to their therapist.
Before you and your partner decide to be mediated with a couple’s therapist, here are some question you can ask yourself to make sure that couples therapy will work for you.
“Maybe other issues of trust, safety, or security have come up that haven’t been thoroughly resolved. Couples who struggle with sex are often the least likely to talk about their struggles thinking it’s a no-win situation.” — Sam Louie MA, LMHC
When Is The Right Time To Seek Help?
Some couples ask for professional help when the pain has gone overboard, and the argument becomes too difficult to manage. Both parties are overwhelmed with what they might have said or done to each other that they decide to look for someone who can ‘fix’ them.
The wisest time to seek guidance and help from a therapist when you and your spouse can’t find concrete solutions to your marital problems, or if you have decided that your marriage goals are impossible to achieve. Do not wait for the whole misunderstanding to blow up, and violence comes in. When this happens, there might not be any chance for reconciliation at all.
What If My Partner Doesn’t Want To Go To Therapy?
It is typical for a husband to be less interested in therapy than the wife. So if you think that you need to see a therapist for your marriage problems, one way to involve your partner is to tell him that he must be there with you, which is true. But just a fair warning: If you are currently seeing your therapist, your partner might be intimidated that you’re all too familiar with the process. In this case, you can let your spouse choose a therapist for both of you, someone that you will see for the first time. Also, your partner will have a hard time arguing with you if you tell him that you want to know how to make good things become the best. Don’t focus on the negative things that you are about to divulge to the therapist!
How Do We Choose The Right Therapist For Us?
Don’t worry. You’re not obliged to sign up immediately. In fact, most of the therapists have free consultation via phone interview, so take advantage of it. Tell him a little about the problem and observe if it is something that he has extensive knowledge in. You can also listen to the voice – if it’s gentle and the talk is not very fast, the therapist may be a patient one. If he talks fast, maybe he’s more interested in getting to the end of the session! Find a sense of connection between you and your therapist.
If you’re lucky to get an initial face-to-face consultation, the better, you can determine if both you and your partner can get honest and unbiased explanations from your therapist. You’ve got to listen to your instincts.
How Do We Know The Therapy Is Working?
The first determinant of whether it’s working or is not if, after a few sessions, you begin to feel warmer and more comfortable with your partner. This means that your therapist has effectively broken into some barriers that you both have for each other, probably due to the constant arguments and misunderstandings.
“Trust requires a willingness to accept less than 100 percent certainty — otherwise it would be called verification.” — 0 PsyD, CST
Finally, if you are not comfortable with your therapist, it is wise to just look for someone that you share warmth with, someone that you and your partner can fully trust. Additionally, if your therapist is a professional one, then he must inform you if therapy is not working.
According to counseling online experts, being in a healthy and affectionate relationship can make anyone feel as if they are richer than the richest man on the planet. Every problem seems too easy to overcome. Nothing can make you feel blue as well when you know that you will come home to the man who loves you with everything he has and more.
“While there is no shortage of marital dissolutions in this country due to affairs or some other kind of wrongdoing, those that end for “no apparent reason,” really throw us. It’s as if we need there to be a reason so we can feel a sense of control over our own environment.” — Susan Pease Gadoua L.C.S.W.
However, what can you do if it happens to be a far-fetched dream for you right now? What if your reality is that the man you thought wants to settle down with you forever has suddenly shown little or no interest at committing to you? The pain you must be feeling is immeasurable now. However, if you genuinely want this man in your life, you do not have to give up at once. There is still hope, my friend. It only goes by the name “What Men Secretly Want.”
What Is It?
In a nutshell, it is a guide that is supposed to help you become irresistible and more attractive to that guy you are pining for. Throughout the relationship program, you will understand how a man’s brain works, how he sees a possible coupling, and what makes some men hold back when things are about to get serious between you two. You will also be led to a brighter path in which you can identify the right words to use when talking to him and be at his wavelength. Sometimes, after all, the problem is not because you have made a mistake but because you do not see each other eye to eye.
What Do Men Want?
What most men honestly want – yet they do not often voice out – is respect. Respect over love. Respect over anything. Therefore, the program can explain everything that has to be known about The Respect Principle. You can learn about that quickly when you pick it up online in the soonest possible time. What matters is that you now have a chance of understanding your “one and only” and connecting to him more deeply, thanks to James Bauer.
Who Is James Bauer?
He is a relationship consultant, a psychology student, and yes, the author of What Men Secretly Want program. The idea to make this course came to him when some of his lady friends asked him for advice on how to practically make their budding or current relationship thrive.
James’ primary goal for writing this guide is to help as many women as he can to be one with the man that they love by giving pointers on how they can reach the guy on an emotional level.
What Can You Learn From The Relationship Program?
1. How To Respond To A Man Who Refuses To Talk
A man usually does not remain quiet for no reason at all. Knowing how you should react during such a situation will save you from doing something that will most likely cause more destruction to your bond. Similarly, you should also know the reason why your man does not listen when you use a particular tone on them.
“Furthermore, beyond the generic problems that drove spouses apart, there were crises that jeopardized the very foundation of marriages, such as infidelity.” — Michele Weiner-Davis LCSW
2. What To Say So That He Will See You As A Huge Part Of His Future
Women tend to be too chatty at times, to the point of saying some things that they cannot take back. The guide can tell you the words that are never to be spoken in front of a guy you want to be with for long-term.
3. When To Offer Your Help
A few men tend to get sour when a woman tries to help them solve their problems. You can have a happier relationship when you learn the right times to offer him your assistance and when to let them be.
4. How To Understand His Emotions
This course will clarify how a guy expresses his emotions differently from women. You may learn what to do as well when a particular emotion feeling appears.
5. How To Become A Great Girlfriend Or Spouse
Men find women more desirable when their confidence leaves an impression on them. Absorb the best way to shift and reshape the way you think so that you can relate to your man’s emotions better.
“Life is short and having a bond with your mate can help with happiness, longevity and health.” — Lisa Thomas LMFT
Seeking a man is easy, but making him remain by your side for a long time can be stressful. If your relationship is still on the rocks, and you don’t know who else to turn to for guidance, you should realize what men secretly want.