It’s the little things that you do which keeps me wondering – do you still love me?
He asked me if he can sleep in the guest room because the baby was keeping him up all night and he had to work early every morning. That was three years ago, but until now even if the baby is a toddler and doesn’t make a sound at night, he still sleeps in a different bed when he’s here.
I said “when he’s here” because as of two years ago, he went back to his hometown for work. As if the distance between us was not enough for him, he had to move 500 miles away from me. We only see each other every other weekend, and every day I had to text or call him first so that we can talk.
It was excruciating for me that he was there in the guest room. I know he wanted his rest, but I wanted to rest too. And I needed his presence while taking care of a newborn at 43 years old. Was it too much to ask? He even made a life decision without my say. My husband wanted to work in his hometown, and I was forced to accept that fact. I did it without raising my voice because that’s what he wanted – “I’m going back to New York. I have an offer there. We’ll just set up our schedule.” What else can I say but “okay?”
The pain of him “working far away” was unbearable. It was crushing my being, and I felt like he was leaving me for good. But what can I do? He wanted to work there and as his wife, I had to be supportive.
On the reverse, shouldn’t he be supportive of me too? Why is it that I always had to give and accept? What about me? What about what I want and need from him?
Am I overreacting? Is this a little bit dramatic? Am I a drama queen? Is it too bad to desire for your husband’s attention, care, and love? For so long, I didn’t feel that. I remember back then – I would cry during our intimate act because of how much I love him. My whole body trembled because of happiness and pure bliss. Now, after 5 minutes of quickened activity, he would rise after he kisses my forehead. Where is our intimacy these days, huh?
What is going on? Something is happening here that I don’t like. I don’t like it at all. It’s not what I expected, and this is not what I want. Do I even matter? My heart tells me to scream, shout, and get angry at this whole messed up situation. Isn’t it my right to tell him how I feel? What will he say about it? I guess it’s time to find out.
“You’ve been ignoring me lately, and I don’t get to see you as often as I want to, you know. Can we make an effort and do something about it?”
“What are you saying now? You’re not making any sense. What effort? Am I not feeding you and the kids? Are you saying I lack in the provision department? Don’t I give you what you need every day? Three meals and some?”
And so, I know now. I wished my husband would have reacted differently, but he saw me like that – a provision – his burden of 3 meals and some.
How do I proceed now? Tell me. I can’t think straight, and frankly, my numbness is sinking in.